Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Whoa
by Edsonetruelove
Summary: Hermione goes to Hogwarts in some random year and lots of crazy stuff happens. Yay! Chapter two is finally here! PLEASE REVIEW!
1. Chapter 1

I hope you enjoy my crazy story!

Disclaimer: I don't own any of the Harry Potter books, movies, characters, or anything else. They all belong to J. K. Rowling and whoever makes the movies…. I do own Malfoy, though. (just kidding)

Chapter One:

Speedos and a Strange Beginning

Hermione Granger woke up on September the first at 10:59 AM. "Holy cheerios! I'll miss the train!" She quickly got up and dressed into a yellow T-shirt with blue jeans and grabbed her wand. "Expecto Patronum!" She yelled. Harry's stag appeared and Hermione jumped on its back. "YAAAA!" She yelled and it flew out her open window towards King's Cross. When they got there, Cornelius Fudge was waiting by the entrance. "You have done underage magic, dudette. You have to go to a hearing now." He said. He hopped on the stag with her and yelled, "To the secret lair, man!" They flew to the Ministry of Magic and went inside. Hermione was surprised to see that the clock still said 10:59 AM. "This day is going to be weird…" She said under her breath.

Fudge led her through a dark corridor and they walked for what seemed hours. After a while they came to a door that said in curly pink letters, "Hearing Room, Dude" and went inside. Hermione looked around and saw the toad-faced woman, Professor Umbridge, sitting next to Draco Malfoy. "Malfoy!" Hermione yelled.

"That's right, Mudblood. Malfoy. The one and only. Standing--well, rather sitting--in front of your no-it-all face! I am all powerful and trustworthy and that is why my father dragged me off the train to come to your stupid and pointless meeting!" Malfoy spat.

Fudge nodded, "Shall we proceed then, dudes?" Umbridge nodded. "Well then, Hermione Granger, you have been summoned here by the--"

"Excuse me, Minister," Malfoy said scratching his chin, "I say we just expel her now so I don't miss the train."

"Sorry, as much as I would like to, man, it is against my pride to send a possibly innocent girl to the dread of having been expelled."

"That is most kind of--" Hermione began but Umbridge interrupted, "I'm t-tired, Minister, (yawn) can't you just let her off with a warning so I can g-go home back to bed?"

"Fine. Hermione Granger, you are hereby free to go, lil' dudette." Hermione gleefully got up and ran towards platform nine and three quarters as fast as she could, checking her watch. "It's STILL 10:59!" she yelled.

She ran through the barrior and onto the train. She looked in every compartment looking for Harry and Ron, and finally found them at the very back of the train. "Hey guys! What's up?"

Ron looked at Hermione and his face seemed to brighten up, "OY!" He spoke in a French accent that weirded her out, "Hello, my dear!" He took her hand and kissed it, "And how are you on zis beautiful morning?"

"Um… just fine…" She responded uncomfortably. Harry looked up from the _Daily Prophet _and sighed. "Alright, alright. Ron. Ron! RON!"

"What!"

"Lay off of Hermione."

"But zis beautiful voman needz attention zat only ze man of her dreamz can give her."

"Ron, you are not the man of my dreams." Hermione said taking her hand back.

"VHAT IZ ZIS NONZENSE!" Ron screamed. Hermione looked at Harry. He had gone back to reading the _Daily Prophet_ and was now trying hard to concentrate on an article about a muggle getting kicked by a Hippogriff and having to have his memory modified, but this didn't seem to be working as he got up and grabbed Ron's arm, "I am trying to read the paper and it's kind of difficult with you screaming." Harry said.

"I am zo zorry. Pleaze forgive me." Ron said and he sat down in his seat.

Hermione sighed and sat down next to Harry. She had just started to pull out her homework to reread when the compartment door slid open, "Hey (hic)! It's Potty and (hic) the Weasel (hic)! And look! They (hic) brought their little (hic) mudblood girlfriend (hic)!" said Draco Malfoy. Hermione giggled at his constant hiccupping. "You (hic) think my hiccups (hic) are funny, mudblood (hic)?" he tried to say this angrily to make Hermione stop but that just made her laugh harder. Ron started laughing in his accent ("Hohohohohohohohoho!") and Harry spewed chocolate frog all over his newspaper and started laughing harder than Hermione. Malfoy snorted and walked out of the compartment slamming the door shut behind him. "Vhat happened to Malfoy?" Ron asked.

"I don't know." Harry said wiping tears out of his eyes. They all stopped laughing abruptly. "Tell me, how was that funny?" Harry asked.

When the Hogwarts Express finally got to Hogwarts, the three of them got off the train and headed towards Hagrid. "Hey, Hagrid." They said. Hagrid turned around and looked down at them. "Oh! It's, like, you three! Oh my gawd! It's been, like, forever since I've, like, seen you!"

"Um… Hagrid? Are you OK?" Harry said uncomfortably.

"Like, yeah! I got, like, tired of talking in that, like, stupid gruff voice! So, I, like decided to go with a, like, teenage girl's accent," Hagrid said, "Well, I, like, better get back to work! Excuse me! Like, first years this way!" He walked away leaving the three of them stunned. "Wow. And I thought Ron's new accent was weird." Harry said as they made their way up to the castle.

When they got inside the Great Hall and sat down at their table, they saw Professor McGonagol leading the first years inside the doors. They were all looking around with terrified expressions on their faces. "Oh," Hermione whispered, "They look like frightened little animals."

When they got to the front of the Great Hall Dumbledore stood up. He was wearing Speedos and sunglasses and had a towel wrapped around his shoulders. There was also a dab of sun tan lotion on his nose. "Hey! How's it goin', Dudes and Dudettes? I just wanted to say that I know that y'all are sick of waiting every year for the first years to get sorted so you can begin eating the food that our house elves have been preparing since 5:00 this morning"--Hermione gasped -- "So, all the first years can just sit down wherever they want so we can get to the feast a lot quicker."

At this the first years looked timidly around and started sitting at different tables. A boy with blonde hair and wide black eyes sat down next to Harry. "Hi." The boy said to Harry, drool oozing out of his mouth, "My name is Quinton Marks."

Harry looked at the boy and put his hand in the air, "Check, please!" He said. This made the boy cry and run away. Harry looked at Hermione and Ron for support, but they were glaring at him. "Zat vaz juzt low, dude, low…" Ron said. Harry sunk in his seat.

After dinner they went to their dormitories and hopped in bed. Hermione, on the other hand, snuck into the boy's dormitory to get Harry's invisibility cloak, but she saw Seamus and Dean getting dressed. "What th-!" was all she could hear before she shut the door and ran back in bed.

The next day, Hermione went down for breakfast and saw Harry, Ron, Seamus, and Dean all huddled together. When they saw Hermione they went up to her and looked her straight in the eyes while she absentmindedly scratched her butt. Harry looked at her with great disgust and said, "I heard that you were in the boy's dormitory at midnight."

Hermione thought for a second before replying, "There is a perfectly well explanatory for this monarchy."

"Of courze zere iz. She wanted to zee me." Ron said and Harry smacked him in the head, "Where did she learn how to zpeak?"

"Uh-Oh. My English are failing and turning to ickyness." Hermione said then slapped her hands over her mouth to keep herself quiet.

Dean stared at her and then got the courage to speak, "Why did you go in there?"

Hermione looked down at her shoes, "Me wanted to have Harry's invisibility cloak so I go sneak into library."

Seamus' eyes widened, "Harry, you have an invisibility cloak?"

Harry laughed nervously, "Of course not! You know Hermione. Too many books will rot your brain. That's why Ron and I don't read." He dragged Hermione away from them and glared at her, "Why did you say that!"

"Why? Are it bad?" Hermione asked innocently.

Harry's face reddened, "Yes…If…someone…overheard…you…then…they…might…report…to…a…teacher…" Harry tried to say calmly and quietly.

Hermione scratched her head, "Are that bad?"

Harry's face grew even more red, "Ok, let's try this. I don't have an invisibility cloak."

"Really? Me thinks you did…"

"No. I don't have one."

"Ok. That are fine." Hermione walked out of the Great Hall. She walked back in seconds later remembering that she hadn't eaten. She grabbed a piece of toast, said sorry to the boys and walked off.

They walked to classes together, and apart when Hermione had to go to different ones. She was humming her ABC's while Ron and Harry talked continuously about Quidditch. Hermione turned around, "Is that all you guys talk about?"

Harry and Ron looked at each other for a moment then Harry spoke. "Of course not, 'Mione. We also talk about girls and Quidditch and girls and Quidditch and girls and Quidditch--"

"And CHEEZE!" Ron added excitedly while licking his lips. "Ah! Not to mention Quidditch!" Hermione added rolling her eyes.

Harry smiled. "Yeah! That, too!" Snape walked out of his dungeon and glared at the three of them. "The bell rang ten minutes ago. You are all late. Thirty points from Gryffindor."

"Petrificuz Totaliz!" Ron yelled pointing his wand at Snape. He fell stiff as a board to the ground.

"Oh my (censored!) gawd!" Harry yelled. Malfoy came out of the dungeon and ran screaming, "OOOOOH! I'm telling on YOOOOUU!"

Hermione sighed and pulled out her wand. "Wingardium Leviosa!" She carried Malfoy with her wand to Dumbledore's office while Ron and Harry followed, continuing their Quidditch conversation from before.

When they reached the gigantic gargoyle they started thinking up passwords. "Shoot!" Hermione said. She accidentally thrust Malfoy into the wall in frustration. "Oops! Sorry!" She said.

Harry thought for a minute, then said, "Surf's up, Dude!"

The gargoyle jumped to life and the three (Or four if you count Malfoy) of them went up the stairs. When they reached the door, Ron lightly knocked on it. No one answered. Ron started banging his fists as hard as he could on the door. "Whoa! Whoa! Ron!" Harry said holding him back.

"Oh look!" Hermione said in a baby voice, "You scared the wittle ferret!" Malfoy was cowering in fright from Ron's sudden outburst. Harry laughed but stopped sharply when Dumbledore opened his door. "'Sup Dudes and Dudette?" He led them inside. Hermione shuddered when she saw that he was still wearing his Speedos.

Dumbledore sat down on his big, fluffy armchair. "Yo, you guys want a Popsicle?" They shook their heads. "I heard that Professor Snape was found on the floor stiff as a board." They all looked at Ron, and Hermione finally spoke. "Yes, Professor, that's sort of what we wanted to talk to you about." "It is?" Dumbledore said. "Yez, it iz." Ron said. "Ve vanted to tell you zat--" Harry interrupted. "Malfoy did it."

A/N: So how'd you like it? This is my first story, so it might be bad. If I get at least 3 reviews I'll post the next chapter. It's insane like this one. I already wrote the 2nd chapter, but I want to see if you guys liked it. Please review!


	2. Chapter 2

Here's chapter two! Geez it took forever to get three reviews, but thanks to the people that did!

Disclaimer: Again I do not own Harry Potter or anything related to it, but if I did I'd be the happiest person alive.

Chapter 2:

Cheese and Sleeping Pills

"What?" Dumbledore asked.

"Malfoy stunned Snape. That's why we brought him here." Harry continued.

"Cool, Dude. Just leave him here and I'll think up a punishment." Dumbledore said while shooing them out with the wave of one tanned hand. As they closed the door they heard Dumbledore asking, "Yo, Draco, Dude, have you ever tried the Can-Can?"

The three of them shuddered as they ran back down the staircase to get as far away from Dumbledore as possible.

When they reached Gryffindor tower they said the password and ran inside. Hermione and Ron looked at Harry and smiled. "Ooooooooh! You're gonna get BUSTED!" Hermione said.

"Up shut!" Harry said. He sat down on the couch and began doing his homework. Wait, what am I saying! The great Harry Potter does not need to do homework! Hermione does it for him.

After Hermione was done doing Harry's homework she went into the girl's dormitory exhausted. She opened a book and began to read out loud to no one in particular, "See Spot. See Spot run. Run, Spot, run!"

Parvati Patil and Lavender Brown came in the dormitory just then talking loudly.

"Did you hear about Malfoy's nose?"

"Yeah! I heard it got cut off-"

"And now he looks like Michael Jackson! (A/N: No offense to Mr. Jackson) Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!"

"And how Hermione looks like a jellyfish with her hair down-"

"Yeah! With all those knotted strings all over her head-"

"It's like a giant bush!"

"Hey! I am right here, ya know!" Hermione shouted angrily. They looked at her and laughed.

"I'm sorry, Hermione, we didn't know you were there!"

"Well, it's nice to know that you guys talk about me behind my back." Hermione pouted and crossed her arms over her chest.

"Oh please, Hermione. We talk about everyone behind their backs."

"Lavender's even talked about me behind my back."

"Really?" asked Hermione.

Parvati and Lavender looked at each other for a second then said, "Nah!" and walked out of the room talking about Snape's greasy hair.

Hermione sighed and put on some pajamas. She quickly fell asleep, dreaming of mashed potatoes…

Hermione woke up early and quickly got dressed. She walked down the stairs to the common room and saw Fred and George talking with Ron, but something seemed different.

"That Quidditch game you guys played last night was awesome!" Fred said excitedly.

"Uh, Fred, we didn't play Quidditch last night." Ron said.

Hermione stood shocked. What happened to Ron's creepy accent!

"Hey, Hermione." Ron said smiling up at her. She just gaped at him until she got the courage to speak.

"A-accent." Was all she could say.

Ron looked at her suspiciously and replied, "Hermione? Are you all right? What do you mean accent? Did something happen? Why are you staring at me? Why am I asking all these questions!"

Fred and George looked at each other and laughed.

"Sorry, Hermione! Didn't mean to scare you!"

"George and I found a box of sleeping pills-"

"And we wrapped one of the pills in cheese-"

"You know how Ronald loves cheese-"

"And we told him it was a cheese stick-"

"So he ate it-"

"And now his French accent is gone!"

Hermione stood awe-struck to the spot and looked at Ron. He eyed her suspiciously and sighed.

Hermione didn't talk at all during breakfast in the Great Hall. She was barely even touching her food. Harry and Ron didn't seem to mind, though. Hermione was still shocked that Ron's ridiculous (yet amusing) accent was gone. Good riddance though, she thought, that accent was getting kind of annoying.

She overheard pieces of their conversation and sighed. All they ever seemed to talk about was Quidditch, but this time they were talking about how to make a Chihuahua dance.

"I think if you make them listen to Usher all day without any breaks they will eventually start dancing." Ron said pointing a sausage at Harry.

"Who's Usher?" Harry asked, backing away from Ron's sausage.

"He's that African-American singer all the teenage American girls drool over. Just imagine… if I could become a singer, I would have Hermione drooling all over me!" Ron leaned back in his chair, "Just think about it, mate. Hermione, with her gorgeous brown hair, trying to get me, Ron Weasley, to let her up on stage…"

Harry whistled, "Quite an imagination there…"

"You know what? You're right! I can't just imagine all this! I'm gonna make it happen!" And with those words Ron ran out of the Great Hall leaving Harry quite speechless.

"Okay, what did you say to him this time?" Hermione asked Harry.

"I didn't say anything!" Harry was still staring down the Great Hall where Ron had exited. "I think that accent might have ruined his thinking power."

Hermione looked at Harry in disbelief, "Thinking power?"

"Well- never mind…" Harry said and sunk back down in his chair. Hermione continued eating.

Harry and Ron met up with Hermione in the library after all their classes. "Finally!" Hermione said angrily, "I've been waiting for three minutes!"

"Oh no! Not three minutes! Sheesh, Hermione, I had to go to the bathroom." Ron said.

"Yeah," Harry said stepping forward and whispering into Hermione's ear, "You know how he's not good at holding it in."

Ron's eyes widened, then swelled up with tears, "Y-you guys were talking about me, weren't you?"

Harry and Hermione looked at each other, then said, "No, Ron!"

Ron just looked at them and tears started pouring down his cheeks. "Yes you w-were! I know y-you were! Everyone always t-talks about me behind m-my back!" Ron turned around and started crying.

"Great!" Hermione exclaimed, "You've gone and upset him, Harry!"

"I- what! I didn't do anything! Mister Sensitive over there is the one who made a big deal out of nothing!" Harry yelled angrily.

The next thing they knew they were being booted out of the library for being too loud. Hermione sighed and walked beside them to the Gryffindor common room. Just then Draco Malfoy jumped out from behind a corner and yelled, "BOO!" so loud Ron soiled himself and started crying more.

"Great!" Hermione yelled, "You've gone and upset him right after I finally got him to calm down!"

Draco slowly backed away from Hermione who was advancing towards him with her wand pointed at his heart. "I just might thrust my wand through your chest and fling you out a window! Would you like that!"

Harry chuckled to himself and mumbled, "Heh, Malfoy on a stick."

Draco slowly shook his head and tried to get away from Hermione, but she had him cornered. "Or maybe I ought to turn you into a frog and throw you in the lake! That wouldn't be so good either, now would it!"

Harry said that he liked the idea of Malfoy on a stick better but Hermione told him to shut up. "Well! Aren't you going to answer me!"

Draco winced and said fearfully, "I-I don't want to be killed by a mud- you. P-please let me go."

Harry looked at him shocked. This wasn't like Malfoy at all. Besides that, he actually said please! Ron in the meantime was still crying and looking at Harry for support. Harry was too stunned by what Malfoy said that he wasn't paying any attention to Ron. This angered him and made him cry even harder. "Oh will you shut up already, Ron! You sound like a two year old!" Hermione screamed.

Ron promptly hushed and Draco winced. Hermione turned back to Draco and asked so only he could hear her, "Do you want me to let you go even though you might get teased that you were nearly killed by a mud blood?"

Draco was too scared to answer. He was about to mimic Ron and wet himself, too. Hermione sensed that if she scared him anymore there would be a big puddle on the floor, so she let him go. Draco ran at the speed of light and Hermione sighed, "Ah, that felt good."

Harry and Ron were too busy hugging each other to respond. They continued walking towards the Gryffindor common room and Ron yelped when they saw Parvati and Lavender proceeding out of the tower. Lavender took one look at Ron and started laughing. "Look's like Ronald's in need of a change of pants."

Lavender started laughing along with Parvati as they walked away. Hermione looked at Ron and saw that he was fighting back tears again. She rolled her eyes. "Whatever. Come on, let's go to bed."

A/N: So how was it? I hope it was as good, if not better, than the first chapter! Please R&R!


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